Growing Up

As inevitable as it is, I’m kind of split about growing up. At times, I’m thankful I do. Thankful that I become more mature and understanding about things. But then, there’s another part of me that wishes things stayed the same, that I didn’t have to be more mature and understanding about it all. And I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who feels this way about things.

In a way, I guess we’re all a little rebellious when natural phenomena are concerned. Like, most of the things I wish never happened are the ones I know are going to, eventually. The worst part about growing up for me, is that I tend to grow more apart than I tend to do close. With time, I’ve noticed that I’ve done more damage than improvement. I’ve disappointed a lot of people, been rude to them, passed on quite a few creditable advice and there’s far more regret haunting me than the satisfaction of having done something worthwhile, to help fight the regret. I mean, I know it can’t be all good but how am I supposed to deal with such a butt-load of bad, either?

I’ve lost a lot of friends and spoiled the good impression I had on everybody as a kid, because I thought I knew better. And honestly, in the not-so-distant future, I know I’ll feel that way again. But on the other hand, I don’t like being naive and stupid either. I hate not knowing and knowing too much as well. Does that make sense? I don’t know when I’m starting to know too much till after some regrettable consequence, it’s such a fine line. All these books I read, movies I watch, sometimes I wonder whether anything, any opinion or train of thought is my own and not put into my head through the calculated dialogue of a character from the perfect world.

Either way, I’m still left wanting to be able to turn back time and undo a lot of things. What makes the problem worse, is that I’m not the one-track minded person I used to be anymore. Within a single second, I’m thinking three different things, like I’m three different people at the same time and somewhere among them, I’ve lost my own self. I want to do what’s right, like standing against multi-facedness, if that’s even a word. But where do I get off doing something like that when I’m different with different people myself?

I crave for simplicity, who doesn’t? But I’m far too complicated at the same time. And as I grow up, I find myself contradicting everything I thought I believed in, everything I thought made me for who I am.

I guess in a way, promises are made to be broken, the truth is more often than not a veil for the lie you never would have imagined could exist, you’ll always be surprising yourself in some way or the other, and perhaps in a way, forever really is a fantasy and change really the only true constant in this little place we like to call our world.